Coping with a Depressed Partner and Depression Fallout

Living with a partner who suffers from depression can lead to significant emotional strain, often resulting in what is known as "depression fallout," where loved ones experience confusion, self-blame, and resentment. Effectively coping with a depressed partner involves understanding the condition, supporting their treatment, and maintaining your own well-being amidst the challenges.

The Impact of Depression on Relationships

Have you ever experienced a situation where a seemingly pleasant trip took a turn for the worse due to an unexpected shift in your companion's mood?

Imagine starting a journey with a friend who initially seems great, but after a few hours, their demeanor changes abruptly. They become quiet and fall into a bad mood, despite your efforts to lighten the atmosphere with jokes and music. Even a stop at a charming diner for coffee and apple pie only provides temporary relief before a tearful argument reveals their true discontent.

When you try to understand what’s wrong, your friend denies any issues, leaving you frustrated and helpless. As you continue the journey, you’re left counting the minutes until you reach your destination, feeling isolated and worn out.

This scenario mirrors the experience of living with a partner who displays similar mood swings, withdrawal, and unprovoked aggression—symptoms often associated with untreated depression. Unlike a road trip with a clear end point, dealing with a partner's depression involves navigating a complex and ongoing emotional landscape where escape isn’t an option.

Understanding Depression Fallout

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 7.1 percent of the adult population in America were diagnosed with a major depressive episode in 2017. That means that about 17.3 million people in the U.S. alone were going through depressive moods for weeks or even months at a time.

Yet, it is not only the diagnosed (and many more undiagnosed) individuals who are affected by depression’s wide array of symptoms. Their families also have to deal with what the award-winning author Ann Sheffield has called “depression fallout.”

Sheffield explains the phenomenon in the following way: “Depression fallout, provoked by prolonged proximity to someone depressed, is the unhappy progression from initial confusion to self-blame, then to demoralization, then to resentment and anger, and finally to the desire to escape the source of so much stress and unhappiness.”[1]

It is not uncommon for loved ones of depression sufferers to mirror their symptoms, to the point that they are diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression themselves. Ultimately, the desire to escape an unbearable family situation often leads to a complete family breakdown and divorce. In that sense, depression very much is a “home-wrecker.”

If you are affected by depression fallout, there are some things that you can do to keep it together until professional help arrives and treatment takes effect.

Overcoming Denial and Encouraging Treatment

• In all likelihood, the most difficult step will be to overcome the depressed partner’s denial and to get them to seek professional help and treatment. Depression is a curious disease in that the sufferer’s denial of its existence constitutes one of its symptoms. A long journey still awaits once this hurdle has been overtaken, but at least you two have taken the first strides.

• While you must not make it your responsibility “to fix your partner”—as the old adage goes, they can only “fix themselves”—there are still ways in which you can support your depressed partner’s treatment: Familiarize yourself with the disease and its symptoms. By doing this, you can try to understand not only what your depressed partner is going through, but also your own reactions and emotions.

• If needed, assist with scheduling therapy appointments. Because the disease impacts your entire family, the therapist may want you to come along for a few sessions.

• Check in with your partner to see whether they keep up with their medications. Ensure that they eat foods and take vitamins and supplements (as approved by their doctor and/or therapist) that support depression treatment.

Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Well-being

• You need to set boundaries. Talk to your depressed partner about which behaviors you will not tolerate—for example, giving you the silent treatment for days on end, or disrespectful communication with you and/or your children. In the worst-case scenario, you may need to set a boundary or deadline for yourself to decide when to pull the plug on the relationship.

• Yes, this is a difficult and sad decision, and one that ended a chapter in my life-story, too… As my own therapist at that point reassured over and over, there is no need to feel guilty about such a decision because no one—especially not children—deserves to suffer under the depression of a partner who refuses to seek treatment.

• As difficult as it may be, pay attention to your own well-being. Find ways to replenish the physical and mental strength you need to keep going. For some people, this could mean attending to your own nutritional needs, getting enough sleep or making time for activities you enjoy, and carving out stress-free time with your family.

Creating a Support Network

• Create a support network of people you trust. This may be adult family members, friends, a therapist of your own, support groups, and mental health organizations.[2] Remember that there are millions of depression fallout sufferers who saw their partners regain their health and managed to rekindle the love that brought them together in the first place, or found the courage to move forward with their own lives.

Navigating life with a partner struggling with depression is undoubtedly challenging, but it is possible to manage and support both your partner and yourself through this difficult journey. By staying informed about the condition, encouraging professional help, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking your own support network, you can foster a more balanced environment.

Remember, while you cannot control or cure your partner’s depression, your commitment to understanding and self-care can make a significant difference in both your well-being and the overall dynamics of your relationship. Through patience, empathy, and resilience, you can face the challenges of depression and work towards a healthier and more supportive partnership.

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Sources:

- Ann Sheffield, “Depression Fallout: Solutions for a Marriage Sabotaged by Depression,” www.parentguidenews.com/Articles/DepressionFallout

- Ann Sheffield, Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond (William Morrow, 2003).

- Ann Sheffield, How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (Harmony, 1999).

- Jodi Helmer, “Relationships and the Ripple Effect of Depression,” https://www.hopetocope.com/relationships-the-ripple-effect-of-depression/

[1] Ann Sheffield, “Depression Fallout: Solutions for a Marriage Sabotaged by Depression,” www.parentguidenews.com/Articles/DepressionFallout

[2] The National Institute of Mental Health (www.nihm.nih.org) and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (https://adaa.org) are good places to start, as they offer many resources. Mental health professionals will also know about support groups in your area, or online.